Understanding Dangerous Instincts and Human Behavior, Study Guides, Projects, Research of Communication

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D A N G E R O U S

I N S T I N C T S

Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction xiii

Chapter 1: Test Your Instincts 3

Chapter 2: The Dangers of Relying on Instincts and Intuition 27

Chapter 3: Personality: It’s What Makes People Tick 41

Chapter 4: What Makes People Dangerous 53

Chapter 5: Why We Miss the Details That Matter 83

Chapter 6: How to Improve Your Judgment 101

Chapter 7: How to Assess and Mitigate Risk 121

Chapter 8: How to Uncover Information 137

Chapter 9: How to Size Someone Up 177

Introduction

N

ot long after I retired from the FBI, I hired Paul, a carpenter, to replace the drywall in my bathroom. He’d originally been referred to me by a close friend, someone who’d known him for some time. Paul was decorated with tattoos from head to foot, and he wore his hair in a ponytail. I knew that there were plenty of people—perhaps you are one of them—who would think that Paul looked scary. My friend had also told me that Paul had been a member of a gang many years before. This piece of information concerned me, so I asked Paul about it. He did not attempt to hide his past. He talked about it openly. “I threw down the colors,” he said, implying that he no longer lived that lifestyle. After talking for a while, I could tell, based on how he’d answered my questions and the referral from my friend, that Paul was a conscientious, hard worker. He was a true craftsman. I could tell from his behavior that he was really a gentle soul. I didn’t want to exclude him just because of something he might have been involved in twenty years ago. I based my decision to hire him on the behavior and the personality of the man he is today. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I hired him to replace the drywall in my bathroom. When he showed up for work, however, Paul brought along his cousin

xiv Introduction

Jack. The friend who’d recommended Paul had not mentioned a cousin. Paul had not told me about his cousin. I had not interviewed Jack before, and I had no references for him. I knew absolutely nothing about him. Normally I did not allow people into my house before asking them a few questions. It comes with the job. I’d spent more than fourteen years with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU). The BAU—the focus of the hit television crime drama Criminal Minds— consults with law enforcement all over the world to help it understand and solve some of the most violent and complex crimes ever committed. I’d interviewed some of the world’s most prolific serial killers. I’d walked through their lairs. I’d seen what they’d done to their victims. I’d glimpsed the worst examples of man’s inhumanity to man. I’ve seen what can happen when someone lets the wrong person through her front door. Should I break this safety rule just this once and allow this other per- son into my home? Paul introduced us. We talked briefly. Jack seemed likable, polite, and certainly nonthreatening. I knew that Paul wanted to mentor someone in the business. I knew he wanted to pass on his master craftsman’s skills. We’d talked about this before, and I’d thought it was a nice thing for Paul to want to do. And since Jack was his cousin, I assumed Paul knew Jack well—well enough to know whether it was a good idea to bring him into the home of an FBI agent. I let them in. Paul supervised Jack the entire time. Nei- ther one gave me any cause for concern. They replaced my drywall, and then they left. I could see that Paul took great care with his work. He did a quality job. As a result, I hired Paul several times after that. Sometimes Jack came with him. Sometimes he didn’t. I later heard that Jack had been arrested for attempting to hire a contract killer to murder his girlfriend. Then I heard that he’d tried to take out contracts on additional people from his jail cell. And I’d opened my door and allowed him into my home, even though I had not checked him out, because my gut instinct had told me that he was safe.

xvi Introduction

Do You Go with Your Gut?

We tend to trust our bodily sensations: hair pricking on the backs of our necks, shivers down our spines, racing heartbeats, and sinking gut feel- ings. We’ve been taught to read such sensations as signs of trouble and their absence as signs of safety. Yet over and over again, I’ve seen gut feelings lead people to ignore very rational signs that all is not okay and to instead open the door to danger. It’s these gut sensations that cause smart people to do seemingly un- wise things, to engage in risky behaviors that earn them the kind of fame no one wants. They become the victims of identity theft, phishing schemes, bad investments, and physical harm. They suffer needless re- gret and heartache. Their false security about their ability to judge someone’s personality and intentions causes them to trust the very people they should not—con men, pedophiles, serial rapists, murderers, stalkers, spouse abusers, and psychopaths. Indeed it was very likely just these sorts of “dangerous instincts” that caused investors to trust Bernie Madoff with their money. It’s tempting to think that you would not have been tricked by Madoff—that some- thing in your gut would have alerted you that he was up to no good. But are you sure about that? Madoff swindled many highly educated, power- ful people over a period of ten to twenty years. Did all of those people ignore their gut instincts when they agreed to those investments? Did they sense fear, trickery, suspicion, and uncertainty, and then push them aside? Their behavior would suggest otherwise. They followed through with investing their money with him. These investors were not naive. They were not of low intelligence. They were not lacking in common sense. Investors trusted Madoff precisely because he knew how to manipu- late their gut feelings. He disarmed them with his charm. He impressed them with his career accomplishments. He lulled them with glowing rec- ommendations from other investors who were also unknowingly being conned. He was incredibly successful, wealthy, and respected. He had

Introduction xvii

been in business for years. He knew people in high places, and he himself was at the top. Madoff knew how to make investors feel good about him and about his scheme. He created a sanctuary of false safety. People trusted him. They liked him. As a result, they gave him their money. We all like to think of ourselves as smarter and less naive than the typical crime victim. We like to think that we somehow possess instincts that would alert us when a dangerous person is in our midst. I’ve found, however, that few if any of us have instincts that are so accurate and perceptive that we should ever rely on them when making important decisions, especially when those decisions involve our safety or the safety of our families, workplaces, or finances. In reality, our instincts lead us to read people incorrectly. They cause us to overlook or ignore the dangerousness of some people and situations. They cause us to make poor and, at times, unwise and unsafe decisions about whom to trust to:

• manage our money
• watch our children
• clean or repair our homes
• lock up our businesses at night
• work at our companies
• friend us on Facebook
• share our information on Twitter
• help us pass the time as we sit in an airport or wait for a train
• give us or our children a ride
• date and marry

Do You Really Know Your Neighbors?

Frequently when I lecture, someone will raise a hand and claim to be a phenomenally good judge of personality and to have flawless instincts. Perhaps you feel the same way.

Introduction xix

trailer in his backyard as a torture chamber. It was there that he repeat- edly shocked, beat, and terrorized an unknown number of women over a period of many years. His neighbors thought he was a normal guy and, after I interviewed David Parker Ray, I could understand why. He took my hand and cupped it in both of his. He said, “How are you? It’s nice to meet you.” He politely answered my questions. He cracked jokes. He was charming and gra- cious. He seemed as if he was a sixty-year-old man who respected and admired women. I had to continually tell myself, “Don’t forget what you know, Mary Ellen. You just came from that toy box.” (The “toy box” was David’s term for the room where he stored his whips, chains, pulleys, straps, clamps, blades, saws, sex toys, and other devices that he used to torture women. It’s where he kept women for hours and days as he tor- tured them, became sexually aroused, and recorded all his deviant sexual behavior so he could watch it and enjoy it later on.) I knew what David had done and I knew what David was—a criminal sexual sadist. He was sexually aroused by the victim’s response to his in- fliction of physical and emotional pain. He had kidnapped his victims, drugged them, and kept them in his home and in the toy box for his sexual pleasure. “It might not seem as if this man is capable of doing that,” I reminded myself. “But you know that a victim was found running out of his home, naked, wearing only a chain around her neck and telling police she had been physically tortured, repeatedly, by Ray and a female friend for sev- eral days following his kidnapping her.” Indeed, outside his toy box David Parker Ray did not seem anything other than perfectly normal. Inside it, he was anything but. Our upbringings and our media consumption have trained us to be- lieve numerous myths that cause us to overlook the David Parker Rays in our midst. One of these myths is that of the straggly haired stranger. This is the guy who roams the world, committing heinous crimes, never gets caught, and just keeps on getting away with his horrible behavior. The myth of the straggly haired stranger is one of several I will explore in this book—myths that cause many of us to let our guard down at precisely the wrong moment and to keep it up when we otherwise don’t have to.

xx Introduction

For instance, you’ll learn the following:

• That our instincts often lead us to trust people based on super- ficial details— details that generally have little to do with true nor- malcy. In fact, dangerous people can be masters at appearing normal. They dress nicely and keep their houses presentable. They usually don’t look out of place. They don’t seem threatening, and our under- lying belief is that if we are nice to them they will be nice to us.
• We generally distrust people based on superficial details too. This is why we often assume that straggly haired strangers—especially the ones who are socially inept, off-putting, and shifty eyed—pose the greatest threat to us. In reality, some of the most dangerous of people fit right in. They can be outgoing, charming, and exceptionally good at making eye contact and putting us at ease.

In reality, you can’t tell whether one of your neighbors is a sex of- fender, psychopath, or arsonist just by giving him or her the once-over. You also can’t tell—based on the type of car he or she owns—if your neighbor is a responsible driver who does not text while behind the wheel or has serious anger-management issues that result in frequent road rage. Knowing that your neighbor is married or has children tells you, for in- stance, nothing about the massive gun collection in his home, one he keeps loaded and ready to be used at a moment’s notice. You don’t know if those guns are stored where curious children can access them, or if he uses them to threaten his family when he has had too much to drink after a bad day at the office. I’m guessing that there’s a lot you don’t know about your neighbors, but by the end of this book you’ll realize what you don’t know, why those details are important, and how to fill in those blanks. As for what’s worse, a sex offender, an arsonist, or a psychopath—it depends. A psychopath might be a violent serial killer. That’s scary. I wouldn’t want someone like that living next door to me! Yet not all psy- chopaths are violent. In fact, most are not. A sex offender could be a se- rial rapist or someone with fantasies about abducting and holding adolescent children. For instance, it could be someone like John Es-

xxii Introduction

For years, as an FBI profiler, I studied human behavior—the behav- ior of the offender, the behavior of the victim, and the behavior of other people who surrounded both. It wasn’t until after I’d retired that I realized what I’d learned as a profiler could be very useful to others. That is what this book is about. It captures the process of an FBI profiler and applies that process to every- day life. It teaches you how to read behavior so you can assess the dan- gerousness of situations; make the kinds of decisions that, though all of us make them regularly, have a far-reaching impact on our lives; and ef- fectively communicate with people, especially when strong interviewing skills are essential. You will probably never find yourself in a position where you have to track down a dangerous criminal. It is not likely you will ever interview a serial killer, a kidnapper, a bank robber, a politician who has taken thou- sands in bribes, or the victim of a violent crime. You will, however, be able to learn from a profiler’s expertise and ap- ply that expertise to your life. For instance, some of the communication skills I successfully relied on in hundreds of interviews with dangerous criminals can make a big difference in the success of your interpersonal communication with the people around you—family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers. Normally information about how to stay safe focuses on what to do if you are, for example, tossed into the trunk of a car or abducted at knife- or gunpoint—both of which are incredibly rare situations that the vast majority of people will never find themselves in. Here you will learn how to make the kinds of serious and stressful decisions that confront all of us, all the time. Decisions like the following:

• whether to hand your car keys over to your teen or allow him or her to catch a ride from a friend
• how to respond when a coworker spreads lies about you and tries to malign you at work or on the Internet
• who to hire to manage your finances, fix your computer, bab- ysit your child, or clean your home
• whether it’s a good idea to place a personal ad online, what it

Introduction xxiii

should say, and how you will screen the people who respond to it

• what to do when a friend or family member asks to move in with you
• how to handle a bullying incident at your child’s school
• how to respond when your college-age daughter accidentally lets it slip that her boyfriend might have anger-management issues

Think about the important decisions you make. Can you trust your housekeeper with a key to your home? Is it safe to let your child’s coach give him a ride home from practice? Should you make this financial in- vestment with someone recommended to you? Is it okay to bring the guy you are dating home with you for the night? Should you give your Social Security number and other sensitive information to this financial adviser? Should you confront that neighbor about a problem you are having with him? Such decisions and how you handle them can pose serious, long-term ramifications. They can result in lost sleep and worry. And in some cases the wrong decision, the wrong actions, or the wrong communication style can put you in a situation where the consequences are stunning and might even result in death or dire legal, financial, or career problems. Wouldn’t you like to know that you are making the best and safest decision in such cases? Wouldn’t you want to know how to see signs of danger and do something about it? Wouldn’t you like to be able to spot problem behavior before it’s too late to respond? Dangerous Instincts will help you to do all of that and more.

The Secret of SMART Decision Making

While at the FBI, I used a logical, step-by-step process to make impor- tant decisions. I used it when deciding how to interview suspects, when doing threat and dangerousness assessments of individuals, and when creating investigative and interview strategies that would lead to the iden-

D A N G E R O U S

I N S T I N C T S

4 Dangerous Instincts

not sense deceit. They did not have a premonition of something bad about to happen. Their instincts and intuition let them down. Have yours let you down too? Later in this book, we’ll walk through some of the decisions you’ve made in the past, and we’ll analyze them to see what type of an assess- ment process you used, how well it’s working for you, and whether it can be improved upon. For now, let’s have a little fun. Consider the scenarios in the following pages. Think carefully about what you would do in each. How would you assess the situation? What information would you factor into your deci- sion? What information would you deem not important? Then consult the answer that follows each question to find out just how dangerous your instincts really are.

The Test

1. Jane is widowed and in her early fifties. It’s been a few years since her spouse passed away and now she is ready to meet some- one. Her friends, however, do not know any bachelors her age, and she’s been unable to meet any at church or through her vari- ous hobbies. Her friends have been telling her to try online dat- ing. She’s resisted for a long time, assuming that she would only meet undesirable men that way. She’s also been a little embar- rassed to think she might have to resort to this in order to meet a man. And she’s wondered if there’s something wrong with her that she can’t meet someone the old-fashioned way. Maybe she’s too old, not attractive anymore, or too set in her ways? Having exhausted her other options, Jane decides to give on- line dating a try. She joins an online dating site and reads a bunch of ads on it. Most of the descriptions seem like outright lies or just pathetic. She is about ready to give up hope when she comes across this ad placed by Kevin, a fifty-eight-year-old man:

I am looking for that special someone who will love and care for me and always be there for me as I will be there for her. I’m not into play-

Test Your Instincts 5

ing games. I’m financially independent and recently retired from run- ning my own company for many years. I’ve traveled the world. I am physically fit and good-looking. I’m ready to settle down with the per- fect soul mate. I will treat you with respect, kindness, caring, under- standing, trust, honesty, compassion, love, and joy.

What, if anything, can Jane tell from this ad that will help her to determine whether to get in touch with Kevin? What types of questions might she ask him to determine whether he’s someone she would like to date? And what should she tell him about herself?

Should Jane hop on this one quick before someone else snatches up this great catch of a guy? I’m not so sure about that. Before I get into why I think Jane should be wary of this gentleman, let’s take a closer look at the potential pros and cons of this decision. On the positive side, Kevin might be the perfect catch, someone who will serve as a wonderful com- panion for Jane. But I’m a retired FBI profiler who chased bad guys for most of my career, so of course one of the first thoughts that pops into my head is that Kevin could also be a serial killer, rapist, or con man. Con artists have been known to comb dating sites in search of victims. For instance, William Michael Barber (also known as the Don Juan of Con) allegedly lured several of his victims via Internet dating sites. He married them, cleaned out their bank accounts, and then fled. Romance fraud is one of the top five ruses used by Internet scam art- ists. In such “sweetheart scams” the con artist usually claims to live in an- other country. He might tell you that he is blown away by your photo and feels a strong bond and can’t wait to meet you in person. Alas, he doesn’t have enough money for airfare. Will you send him money for a ticket? Can you see where this is headed? But even if Kevin isn’t a murderer or a con man, he might have a drinking problem, mental-health issues, or serious anger-management problems. Jane would not want to take on those kinds of problems. He might be someone who gets involved in one dead-end relationship after another. He may have stalked or harassed other women who broke up with him. If he’s not the perfect catch, it’s a waste of Jane’s time and might