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Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle
Written By
Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg
Script Revisions – Double White May 28, 2003(b)
Numbered Production Draft - Lilac May 21, 2003
Script Revisions – Goldenrod May 15, 2003
Numbered Production Draft - Green May 12, 2003
Script Revisions – Yellow May 7, 2003
Numbered Production Draft - Pink May 6, 2003
Numbered Production Draft – Blue Senator International April 22, 2003 8666 Wilshire Blvd. Beverly Hills, CA 90211 Numbered Production Draft – White (310) 360-1441 February 7, 2003
FADE IN:
1 INT. BILLY OFFICE (BREWSTER KEEGAN INVESTMENT BANK)- 4:50 PM 1
BILLY CARVER (mid-20s, good looking, “romantic”) is sitting at his desk, depressed, staring at a photo of his ex- girlfriend.
MAN (O.S.)
Billy Boy!
J.D. BANKS (mid-20s, always looking for a good time) enters the office.
J.D.
Get your ass ready! It’s almost five o’clock and this bad boy needs to get his drink on!
J.D. notices his friend pining over the photo.
J.D.
Oh God. Give me that. I’m burning it once and for all.
J.D. snatches the photo, and pulls out his lighter. Just as the flame is about to touch the photo, BILLY grabs it back.
BILLY Don’t!
J.D.
Dude, it’s been six months. You have to move on.
BILLY nods knowingly.
J.D. You know what’ll cheer you up? Some hot chick riding your jock all night long.
BILLY You’re such a romantic, J.D.
J.D.
It would help get your mind off of Sarah.
BILLY ponders this for a moment.
BILLY
Whatever. Even if I wanted to meet other women, I wouldn’t even know what to do. I’ve been out of the game so long.
J.D. Billy, you come out with me tonight, and I promise you’ll get laid.
With all the downsizing going on around here, we wouldn’t want to have to tell Berenson that you’ve been slacking. He’s just dying to figure out who he should fire next.
HAROLD
Uh...okay...no problem...
BILLY drops a big stack of papers on Harold’s desk.
3 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT - 5:00 PM 3
BILLY and J.D. are walking through the parking lot.
BILLY
Wow! I can’t believe how easy that was!
J.D.
Dude, how do you think I get all my shit done? I’m telling you -- those Asian guys love crunching numbers. You probably just made his weekend.
The guys have reached J.D.’S CONVERTIBLE.
4 INT. J.D.’S CONVERTIBLE 4
Billy and J.D. enter the car.
J.D.
Now get ready. It’s time we embark on...Operation Get Some!
And with that, J.D. presses a button in his car that causes the top of the convertible to go down and a funky white boy song kicks in.
Intercut:
5 INT/EXT. J.D’S CONVERTABLE 5
Billy and J.D. think they’re hot shit as they cruise through the parking lot blasting their tunes. When the lyrics kick in, J.D. begins lip-syncing passionately. Billy loves it.
When the chorus begins, the guys begin dancing in their seats in an unrealistic, synchronized, choreographed manner.
J.D. gives a thumbs up to an ELDERLY PARKING ATTENDANT as his car zooms out of the parking lot.
QUICK BOOM UP from J.D.’s Convertible and PUSH IN to Harold standing at a window watching as Billy and J.D. zoom off.
He looks at the stack of papers they gave him...
J.D. (cont'd)
HAROLD
Fuck.
6 OMIT 6
7 INT. DR. WOODRUFF’S OFFICE - NYU MEDICAL SCHOOL 7
KUMAR PATEL (22, Indian, Funky Hair) is answering questions from his NYU Medical School interviewer, DR. Woodruff (middle aged, erudite, very professional). Kumar has NO ACCENT. He’s American.
KUMAR
Mononucleosis or mono is an infection caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. Symptoms may include fever, sore throat, headaches, white patches on the back of your throat, swollen glands, sluggishness and loss of appetite.
DR. WOODRUFF
Excellent, Kumar. I have to say you’re one of the best applicants I’ve ever interviewed. Not that it’s a surprise. Your father is very respected in his field. You know he and I had some pretty wild times when we were in med school.
KUMAR
Really?
DR. WOODRUFF
Yeah. We started our own basketball team-- the Hemoglobin Trotters... (cracking up) Yeah, we were crazy.
Kumar nods and smiles. Woodruff finally stops laughing...
DR. WOODRUFF
Anyway-- just one more question. (reading from a clipboard) What are some potential symptoms of pancreatitis?
KUMAR
Let’s see. There might be epigastric tenderness, diffuse abdominal tenderness...
Suddenly, we hear what sounds like be a match being lit, a gurgle, and a cough -- the distinct sounds of somebody smoking from a bong. Dr. Woodruff is confused. Kumar pulls out his cell phone. It’s his personalized ringer.
So you’re just gonna have to chill the fuck out, bring your work home, and prepare to get blazed, because in a couple of hours I expect both of us to be blitzed out of our skulls. Got it?...Okay good. See you later.
Kumar hangs up the phone and sits back down. Dr. Woodruff is stunned.
KUMAR
(to Dr. Woodruff) Okay, where was I? Oh yes. More symptoms of pancreatitis. Um...decreased bowel sounds, possibly fever, dehydration, and sometimes even shock.
DR. WOODRUFF
(livid) Mr. Patel. This is supposed to be a proper interview. Do you actually believe after the way you’ve behaved that I would ever even consider recommending you for admission?
KUMAR
No. I’d actually be pretty surprised.
Dr. Woodruff is flustered. He doesn’t know how to react.
KUMAR
Look, I’m just interviewing so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I’m not really planning on going to med school.
DR. WOODRUFF
(confused) But...you have perfect MCAT scores!
KUMAR
Well, I’m not an idiot.
Dr. Woodruff is at a loss for words.
Kumar notices a framed picture of a HOT TEENAGE GIRL on Dr. Woodruff’s desk. He picks it up.
KUMAR
Wow! Is this your daughter?
A disturbed Dr. Woodruff grabs the portrait out of Kumar’s hands.
CUT TO:
KUMAR (cont'd)
8 INT. HAROLD’S CUBICLE 8
Harold shuts down his laptop. He then puts the laptop along with all his paperwork into a bag and leaves the office.
9 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT 9
Harold walks to the end of the parking lot, where his car is parked. As he walks, the strap of his laptop bag breaks and falls to the ground. Harold is frustrated as he picks it up.
10 EXT. PARKING LOT EXIT GATE 10
After other cars zoom through uninterrupted, the ELDERLY PARKING ATTENDANT stops Harold and checks his ID before letting him leave.
11 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING PARKING LOT - 6:21 PM 11
Harold’s driving his WHITE INFINITI G20. He finds a spot...
HAROLD
Yes! Right in front...
Harold carefully lines up his car to parallel park. As he starts to pull in, A YELLOW JEEP STEALS THE SPOT FROM BEHIND. The jeep is loaded with “alternative” stickers, and has a KAYAK, HANG-GLIDER, and other sports equipment on the roof.
Harold almost hits the JEEP. He knows this car.
HAROLD
(frustrated, to himself) Those assholes.
The driver, COLE (20’s, asshole, high energy, intense, loud mouth), puts down his window...
COLE is joined in the jeep with his EXTREME SPORTS PUNK FRIENDS, who all laugh at Harold.
COLE
(mock Asian accent) This is America, dude! Learn how to drive!
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK
Better ruck tomorrow!
Frustrated, Harold turns around and continues driving...
Maria laughs. Harold’s pleased that his joke worked.
HAROLD
So what are you up to tonight?
MARIA
Actually, I’m probably gonna work out a little bit, clean up the apartment, and then go over to my boyfriend’s place. He’s cooking me a really nice dinner.
HAROLD
(disappointed) Really?
MARIA
(smiling) Oh wait, I meant the exact opposite of that. (beat) I’ll actually probably just sit on my ass, eat a pint of Hagaan Daz, and watch Blind Date.
HAROLD
(playful) That sounds awful.
Harold laughs, as does Maria. They smile at each other...
HAROLD
Well, if you want some company, maybe you could sit on your ass at my place.
MARIA
(flirty) Maybe.
We hear the “BING” of the elevator...
13 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING(LOBBY) 13
We’re back in the lobby. EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED WAS A FANTASY. Harold and Maria enter the elevator.
14 INT. ELEVATOR 14
HAROLD and MARIA stand silently while the elevator goes up. It’s clear Harold wants to say something, but he doesn’t have the courage. They reach their floor and exit the elevator.
15 INT. HALLWAY 15
MARIA
Bye.
MARIA walks over to her apartment and goes inside.
HAROLD
Bye.
16 INT. HAROLD AND KUMAR’S APARTMENT - 6:30 PM 16
Tired and frustrated, Harold enters his apartment. The place is minimally decorated, with one of the highlights being a poster of “BILLY MADISON.”
HAROLD
Kumar?
KUMAR (O.C.)
Yeah, I’m in here!
Harold walks over to Kumar’s room and looks inside. It’s Martha Stewart’s nightmare-- dirty laundry all over the floor, etc. On his walls we see old school gangsta rap posters. MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA is everywhere. We see a Giant Photograph of Kumar with his arm around Mr. T. Kumar is not in the room, however.
HAROLD
Kumar?
KUMAR (O.C.)
In here...
Curious, Harold walks over to HIS ROOM (neat, tidy, IKEA furnishings), where he sees KUMAR STANDING BUTT NAKED IN FRONT OF A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR. There’s a “clipping sound” coming from Kumar’s direction. Harold stares at him, shocked and appalled. Harold walks inside...
HAROLD
Kumar, what the hell are you doing!
KUMAR
I’m trimming my pubes.
Kumar looks at himself in the mirror as he makes a couple more snips. On the floor, we see LARGE CLUMPS OF HAIR.
HAROLD
Why aren’t you doing this in your room!
KUMAR
The mirror’s in here. (re: his crotch) Hey, check it out! It looks like a Bonsai tree!
HAROLD
I’m gonna puke. Get your clothes on.
KUMAR
Oh, no wonder you tried cancelling on me today. Dude, you gotta learn how to say “no” once in a while. Now lets get high.
HAROLD
No. I got a lot of work to finish.
Kumar shuts Harold’s laptop.
KUMAR
Fuck that! You’ll have plenty of time to get that shit done later. Come on, let’s smoke a couple joints.
Harold thinks for a moment and then caves...
HAROLD
One joint.
KUMAR
One and a half. Now let’s do this...
Kumar exits the room...
HAROLD hangs his jacket up in his closet, which we see organized in rows of suits and button downs.
18 INT. LIVING ROOM 18
Kumar walks over to a table in the living room where he finds AN M.C.A.T. TEST PREP BOOK. Kumar lifts open the cover-- inside, we see a hollowed-out circle filled with marijuana. Kumar smells it and shudders in ecstasy.
The phone next to the book starts to ring. Kumar doesn’t care. He lets it ring until the answering machine picks up.
MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT
(on the answering machine) Kumar...it is daddy. I hope your interview today was good. I’m calling to remind you that you have another one tomorrow morning with Dr. Wein from Cornell at 10:00 a.m. Do not be late!
Kumar rolls his eyes as he tears some pages from the M.C.A.T. book and starts rolling a fat blunt...
MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT
It is very important you show up on time! Mommy and I will be very upset if you do not go. Good luck, Kumar. Remember, the meeting is at ten o’clock. Bye bye.
Harold (still wearing his button-down shirt, only now untucked) enters the living room. Kumar is now licking the blunt.
HAROLD
Don’t you think you should take at least one of your interviews seriously? At some point your dad’s gonna get really pissed.
KUMAR
So what? It’s not like there’s a shortage of Dr. Patel’s out there. My dad’s a doctor. My brother’s a doctor. Just because everyone in my family went to med school, doesn’t mean I have to.
HAROLD
Well, then what are you going to do?
KUMAR
I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna smoke this fat blunt, get ridiculously high, and then get something to eat.
HAROLD
Sounds like a plan.
DISSOLVE TO:
19 OMIT 19
20 INT. LIVING ROOM - 7:00 PM 20
HAROLD takes the first hit off the blunt. He nods to Kumar, as if to say “that’s good shit.” Kumar takes the blunt from Harold and inhales...
DISSOLVE TO:
21 INT. LIVING ROOM - 7:30 PM 21
Harold and Kumar are now smoking out of an ENORMOUS BONG, while watching TV. The room is filled with smoke.
ANGLE - TELEVISION
It’s an episode of “The Router Workshop.”
ANGLE - HAROLD AND KUMAR
KUMAR
I think we’ve already seen this one.
Harold changes the channel...
(mock opening an envelope) ...Harold Lee! Come on down! Take a bow!
HAROLD
Oh come on. It’s a John Hughes movie! It’s a classic! It’s a beautiful story about someone who feels unnoticed, unappreciated, unloved...
KUMAR
Hey look! It’s you!
Kumar points to the TV where we see a CLIP FROM SIXTEEN CANDLES--[Long Duk Dong talking about quiche/round pie]
Kumar laughs. Harold isn’t amused.
We see another CLIP [Long Duk talking about the chores he does for the grandparents].
KUMAR
Hey, when are you gonna start doing some chores around here?
Harold gives Kumar a “don’t even joke” look. He then violently grabs the bong from Kumar and lights it. Kumar laughs as Harold exhales a lot of smoke...
HAROLD
We’re so high right now.
KUMAR
We’re not low.
HAROLD
I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry as balls.
KUMAR
No shit! Let’s eat!
HAROLD bends down and picks up A BUNCH OF DELIVERY MENUS that have been left on the floor...
KUMAR
Nah, I don’t feel like delivery tonight.
HAROLD
What about KFC?
KUMAR
Nah, we’ve been there too many times. (beat) I want something we haven’t had in awhile. Something different. Something that’ll really hit the spot. I want the perfect food...
KUMAR (cont'd)
VOICE ON TV
Are you hungry?
HAROLD and KUMAR turn their attention to the TV, where they see A WHITE CASTLE COMMERCIAL taking place. In the commercial, we see DOZENS OF TINY BURGERS lined up in a row.
VOICE ON TV
Then come to White Castle and try our Slyder Special-- six burgers, fries, and a soft drink for only 2.99.
HAROLD and KUMAR start salivating, as they see THE STEAM RISE FROM THE BURGERS ON THE T.V.
VOICE ON TV
Imagine all those burgers in your stomach right now. Mmmmmh....
HAROLD and KUMAR move closer to the TV to smell the burgers.
VOICE ON TV
Don’t you like food that’s tasty and delicious?
Almost in a trance, HAROLD and KUMAR nod agreeingly.
VOICE ON TV
Then what are you waiting for? Head over to White Castle. It’s what you crave.
The commercial ends. HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other-- this is clearly an emotional moment for both of them.
22 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE APARTMENT - 7:45 22
HAROLD and KUMAR exit their apartment.
HAROLD
You’re sure you know how to get there? I haven’t been to White Castle in ages.
KUMAR
I’m telling you, there’s one right around the corner from that multiplex in New Brunswick.
They walk down the hallway, stopping at another apartment. On the side of the doorway is a MEZUZAH IN THE SHAPE OF A NAKED WOMAN. Harold and Kumar walk in without knocking...
23 INT. ROSENBERG AND GOLDSTEIN’S APARTMENT 23
HAROLD and KUMAR walk into an apartment that looks almost identical to theirs. (Instead of a “BILLY MADISON” poster, there’s one of “HAPPY GILMORE.”)
GOLDSTEIN
Dude, the things I’d eat out of her ass, you have no idea. (beat) * Bacon, shellfish, milk with meat, you * name it... *
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 17A.
ROSENBERG
(to Goldstein) That’s a very vulgar statement.
GOLDSTEIN
So is “I want to pound Britney Spears in the pussy.” But it’s true.
ROSENBERG
Touché. (to Harold and Kumar) Anyway, if you guys want to wait till the movie’s over...
HAROLD and KUMAR have already shut the door.
24 INT. BY THE ELEVATOR - 7:50 PM 24
HAROLD presses the “down” button. KUMAR notices that Harold has his LAPTOP BAG on his shoulder...
KUMAR
What the hell are you bringing that for?
Harold hands Kumar his keys.
HAROLD
You’re driving. I’m gonna try to get some of my work done in the car.
Kumar then checks his pockets and comes up empty.
KUMAR
Shit, I forgot my cell phone.
HAROLD
Why don’t you just run back and get it?
KUMAR
(thinks for a moment) Nah, we’ve gone too far.
Reveal that the guys are less than 20 feet from their door.
“Bing!” The elevator door opens and the guys enter.
25 INT. ELEVATOR 25
As Harold and Kumar enter, we hear a DOOR SLAM behind them. They turn around and see MARIA locking her door. She hasn’t noticed Harold and Kumar yet.
KUMAR
Hey, there’s your girlfriend. You actually gonna talk to her this time?
