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NVC Instruction Guide
(Note: Much of the information in this instruction guide draws extensively from the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. We strongly recommend that the best way to learn about Nonviolent Communication is to read the book and use the workbook in combination with this guide, as well as find a group of people with whom to practice these important skills. Throughout each section of this guide you will find references to particular sections from the book or from Lucy Leu’s Companion Workbook. – Jiva Manske)
Introduction: Nonviolence and NVC We live in a world in which violence has become more and more accepted as the norm. It’s all around us. From wars between nations to crime on the street, and even imposing on our everyday existence, violence manifests itself both explicitly and implicitly. Yet for many people, the very idea of violence seems foreign. They are not involved in physical confrontations or abuses, and thus they believe that violence is not present. But the reality is that whenever we become disconnected from our compassionate nature, whenever our hearts are not devoid of hatred in all of its forms, we have a tendency to act in ways that can cause pain for everyone in our lives, including ourselves. Nonviolence, then, does not refer to the mere absence of physical harm. It is a way of life that takes its lead from a compassionate and connected heart, and can guide us toward a more complete and happy way of being. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Nonviolence is not a garment to be put on and off at will. Its seat is in the heart, and it must be an inseparable part of our very being.” It is a practice rooted in understanding, in living honestly, and in acting empathically with all beings. Of course this starts with the self. We must first understand and act empathically towards ourselves in order to impact the world in wonderful and compassionate ways. This means cultivating nonviolence in every action and being present to our own needs and feelings in each and every moment. Marshall Rosenberg realized the importance of nonviolence in every day life throughout his childhood and on into his adult and professional life. He understood how nonviolence could affect the world through the individual and through nurturing relationships on a personal level. Because of his experience with clinical psychology, comparative religion, and mediation, he was able to create Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a very simple model for transforming everyday existence and for practicing nonviolence. His trainings, which began in the 1960’s, eventually grew into an institution, the Center for NVC, which was created in 1984 and which remains a vital resource for a turbulent world.
What is NVC? (Read Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Chapter 1) NVC is a “language of life” that helps us to transform old patterns of defensiveness and aggressiveness into compassion and empathy and to improve the quality of all of our relationships. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now. Although it is a model for communication, NVC helps us to realize just how important connection is in our lives. In fact, having the intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable.
The Model The basic model for NVC is really quite straightforward and simple. It is a process that combines four components with two parts. While the four components are specific ideas and actions that fit into the form and the model of NVC, the two parts provide a solid foundation for NVC as well as for living nonviolently. They are the basis for Marshall’s ideas of giving and receiving from the heart. These brief definitions will be expounded further in the sections below:
Four Components
- Observation : Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment , and to simply observe what is there.
- Feeling : When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.
- Needs : All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.
- Request : To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s
you can integrate the information and the model into your being. We recommend that if you are familiar with NVC, it is still important to review the basic ideas of the model now and again, and we have also tried to provide sections on specific situations that come up in everyday life. Yet because this presentation is so simple it is important to use other resources in conjuncture with practice groups and training sessions. The primary resources that you will need for introducing yourself to NVC are the following: Leu, Lucy. Nonviolent Communication: Companion Workbook. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003. Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.
You can get these resources through The Center for Nonviolent Communication (http://www.cnvc.org/matls.htm). Finding or creating a practice group is also important in order to share the experience of learning NVC with others. These are settings in which it is easy to learn from other students, as well as certified trainers, and some trainers offer many different options, depending on familiarity with the concepts and practice of NVC. To find an NVC practice group in your area, click here.
Practice —Feeling Peace The Institute of Heartmath has done extensive research to develop a theory that when all of our organs are working together in simultaneous rhythm, our minds and our emotions tend to be more stable. More specifically, when the rhythm of our heart beat remains even, we are able to think more clearly and feel more present in every moment and in every action. This is called entrainment. This is a quick, easy practice that will help you familiarize yourself with entrainment, as well as help you get ready for your study and practice of NVC either by yourself or in a group setting. Remember, you can use this in any situation as a way to focus on the present moment.
- Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit, where you will not be disturbed.
- Begin by making yourself comfortable and begin to notice your breathing. You can do this with your eyes open or closed. Breathe normally and smoothly, without straining to take deep breaths, and notice how it feels to be present and aware of your body. If your mind begins to wander, gently bring your focus back to your breath.
- Move your awareness over your body, and notice how you are feeling as you sit. Move through your body, from your toes, up through your legs, to your torso and through your head, and just take stock of how
you feel. Focusing on your breath, notice what emotions are present right now.
- Keeping your focus on your breath, allow yourself to become aware of your heart. As you do this, remember a specific event or a specific person that brings you a sense of appreciation. Allow that feeling of appreciation to wash over your being as you sit. If your mind begins to wander, gently refocus on your breath, and return to your feeling of appreciation.
Individual Practice —Read Chapter 1 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life -Throughout the course of the week, begin to notice how you are feeling, and when your needs are or are not met. Notice when you are acting with empathy and honesty in your relationships with yourself and with others, and begin to see the place for nonviolence in everyday existence. -Consider the need for contribution (link), which Marshall calls the most important human need of all. Write the word on an index card or piece of paper and put it in a place where you will see it at least twice each day, perhaps on your bathroom mirror. In the morning, connect with your need to contribute and consider how you might enjoy meeting that need during the day. In the evening, before bed, consider how you did or did not meet your need for contribution without self-judgment. -Suggested Practice—Read and do individual assignments in the Companion Workbook, pgs 57-60.
Group Practice —Review Chapter 1 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life -Review answers to individual exercises
- Companion Workbook pgs. 61-
NVC Instruction Guide In this guide we will follow the first few chapters of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Our hope is to simplify and present the model in a very straightforward way to make NVC easy to learn. In essence, this is a study guide for the basic skills and knowledge that are needed to begin to practice NVC and allow it to become a transformative part of our lives. For aspiring trainers, it is useful to have the Companion Workbook handy, for it provides many interesting exercises that can help to deepen understanding. Also, after each practice group, it is important to gather feedback from participants about
It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because, when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame (pg 16).
Responses that are based on fear, guilt, or shame, rather than those based on empathy, can lead to difficulties and unwanted consequences. In fact, these types of judgments can promote violence, for it classifies and differentiates between people rather than focusing on what we share as human beings living together in the world. “At the root of much, if not all violence…is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability.” Moralistic judgments simultaneously deny responsibility for violent actions and make those very same actions acceptable and even laudable. Instead, we need to be aware that our judgments are a reflection of our own values, and in turn we must take responsibility for how we feel. Exercise: Change the following statements from moralistic judgments to expressions of compassion that include our value judgments. Ex. Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil. I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. a. My teacher is mean. She assigns too much homework. b. My boss is unreasonable. He always expects so much out of me. c. I hate how needy my girlfriend is. She calls way too much.
Denial of Responsibility We spend much of our life doing what we think we “have to” do. We have to go to school. We have to do our homework. We have to get a job. We have to go to work. At the same time, many of these “obligations” seem to “make us feel” in certain ways. When we use this language, it only serves to reinforce the denial of responsibility that is so inherent in much of our lives. We are conditioned to accept these situations and these consequences, but in the process we forget that we remain individual, autonomous, and empowered beings who are still able to make the choices that govern our lives. And when we deny responsibility we are less likely to see ways that we can contribute to ourselves and others, and we can
become frustrated or annoyed with our existence as it seems to slip further and further from our control. This, in turn, can lead to conflict, especially when we are working or living closely with other people. Facilitating a change from this language that denies responsibility to language that acknowledges responsibility contributes to living and communicating with empathy and honesty.
Types of Denial of Responsibility (From pg. 20)
Example
Vague Impersonal Forces “I cleaned my room because I had to.” Our condition, diagnosis, personal or psychological history
“I drink because I’m an alcoholic.”
The actions of others “I hit my child because he ran into the street.” The dictates of authority “I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” Group pressure “I stared smoking because all my friends did.” Institutional policies, rules, and regulations
“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” Gender roles, social roles, or age roles
“I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.” Uncontrollable impulses “I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.” Exercise: Replace the above examples with language that acknowledges responsibility, using the form I choose to ___________ because I want ____________.
Demand There are many instances when we articulate our desires as demands, especially when we are in positions of relative authority. The most important concept here, though, as Marshall says, is that “we can never really make anybody else do something, we can only make them wish they had.” We have already learned that in order to connect it is important to take responsibility for our actions, and this also applies to trying to influence the actions of others. They, too, always have a choice, and many times when we try to make others act in certain ways, it seems to lead to less, not more connection. As we learn more about NVC, we will start to discover new ways to use language to get the things that we want and still meet everyone’s needs. Whereas a demand implies the threat of punishment, criticism, or blame and tends to result in reactions based on fear, guilt, and shame,
Individual Practice -Exercise (From Companion Workbook, pg. 66): Write down a dialogue (of about 6-8 lines) that isn’t going well between two people. It could be a dialogue between you and another person in your own life (but it does not have to be). After you have completed writing down the lines, re-read them and determine if either person has communicated using one of the Four D’s. -This week, consider the need for learning (link). Write the word on an index card or piece of paper and put it in a place where you will see it at least twice each day, perhaps on your bathroom mirror. In the morning, connect with your need for learning and consider how you might enjoy meeting that need during the day. In the evening, before bed, consider how you did or did not meet your need for learning without self-judgment. -Suggested Practice—Other exercises from Companion Workbook, pgs. 66-
Group Practice —Review Chapter 2 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Lif e -Review answers to individual exercises -Companion Workbook pgs. 67-
Observing Without Evaluating (Read Ch. 3 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life)
We embark on the transformative path of NVC now that we have begun to realize just how life-alienating communication permeates our lives. The first component in the model, then, is observation without evaluation. This component helps us to remain in the present moment, focusing on what concrete, specific things, events, and actions are stimulating us to feel and need. In fact, “the Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence” (pg. 28). It denotes a fuller consciousness and a fuller awareness of the world around us. Noticing what we are seeing, feeling, touching, hearing, and smelling and separating those things from our own limited interpretations, opinions, and evaluations can help us to understand each situation more deeply, and guide us along the path toward connecting with what is alive in the moment with empathy and honesty. As we have already seen, much of the language that we use in our daily existence falls into the trap of one or more of the Four D’s. Now, we can start to see that many of the times when any of those forms of life-alienating communication sneak into our language, we are mixing evaluations with our
observations. When we use this kind of language, people tend to hear criticism, even if that is not our intention, and as we all know, hearing criticism can lead to defensiveness or aggression. Separating evaluations from our observations, on the other hand, allows us to stay present and connect using concrete examples and situations. It allows us to recognize the constantly changing state of the world without generalizing and falling into the Four D’s. Here is a list of situations and examples of how evaluation can become mixed up with our observations:
Distinguishing Observations from Evaluations (pgs. 30-31). Communication Example of observation with evaluation mixed in
Example of observation separate from evaluation
- Use of the Verb to be without indication that the evaluator accepts responsibility for the evaluation
You are too generous.
When I see you give all your lunch money to others I think you are being too generous.
- Use of verbs with evaluative connotations
Juan Enrique procrastinates.
Doug only studies for exams the night before.
- Implication that one’s inferences about another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible
She won’t get her work in.
I don’t think she’ll get her work in. Or She said, “I won’t get my work in.”
- Confusion of prediction with certainty
If you don’t eat balanced meals, you’ll be unhealthy.
If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health may be impaired.
- Failure to be specific about referents
Nicaraguans don’t take care of their property.
I have not seen the family living in that house clean up the yard in a long time.
- Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made.
Ronaldo is a poor soccer player
Ronaldo has not scored a goal in 20 games.
- Use of adverb and adjectives in ways that do not signify an evaluation has been made
Alfonso is ugly. Alfonso’s looks don’t appeal to me.
As you can see, when we generalize or exaggerate, it is easy to hear these
- My aunt complains when I talk to her. -Exercise (From Companion Workbook, pg 73-74): Go back through the table of forms of communication above, and think of an example of each that mixes observation with evaluation. Then, change that example to make sure that evaluation is not mixed with observation. -Consider the need for clarity (link). Write the word on an index card or piece of paper and put it in a place where you will see it at least twice each day, perhaps on your bathroom mirror. In the morning, connect with your need for clarity and consider how you might enjoy meeting that need during the day. In the evening, before bed, consider how you did or did not meet your need for clarity without self-judgment. -Suggested Practice—Other exercises in Companion Workbook, pg 73-
Group Practice —Review Chapter 3 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life -Review answers to individual exercises
- Companion Workbook pgs. 75-
Identifying and Expressing Feelings (Read Ch. 4 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
The second component in our NVC model is learning to identify and express our feelings. We live in a society that does not value expressing our feelings. Instead, we are conditioned from early in our lives to act and feel in certain ways depending on each particular situation in which we find ourselves. Because teachers, parents, or friends tell us that we need to be strong and solve our problems for ourselves, or that getting upset and acting on our feelings will only increase conflict, we tend to bottle our emotions. However, although we may have misplaced the necessary vocabulary to express how we are feeling, the sentiments themselves have certainly not disappeared. As we ignore our emotions, or at the very least fail to express them in a coherent way, conflict tends to escalate as we lose our ability to connect. Since the most important part to connection is being open to what is alive in us and expressing ourselves with empathy and honesty. In fact, “expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts” (pg. 40), for if we are in touch with our feelings and are able to express them to others, we can begin to get to the root of conflict. We need to rediscover a vocabulary that can express how we are feeling in a particular moment, helping us to connect with the people that we care about.
Distinguishing Feelings from Thoughts Whenever we begin a sentence with, “I feel…” we are not necessarily communicating a feeling. Although this may seem counterintuitive at first, with a little thought and a little practice, this idea soon becomes crystal clear. In fact, we can easily notice that throughout our day, we hear “I feel…” quite a bit, and usually without attaching a feeling to the end. For example, “I feel like learning NVC can be really difficult,” does not clearly express a feeling. Perhaps what we are really trying to communicate here is that “I feel frustrated because some of the concepts of NVC are different from what I’m used to.” This expresses more concretely what exactly is going on for us in the moment. Marshall identifies three primary situations when we might confuse feelings with thoughts in everyday speech (pg. 41-43):
Distinguishing between WHAT WE FEEL and WHAT WE THINK
Distinguishing between WHAT WE FEEL and WHAT WE THINK we are
Distinguishing between WHAT WE FEEL and HOW WE THINK others react or behave toward us
Indicators Words like that, like, as if ; pronouns like I, you, he, she, it ; or names
Description of what we think we are.
Description of how we think others are behaving
Examples “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel it is useless.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”
“I feel inadequate as a guitar player.”
“I feel unimportant .” “I feel misunderstood .” “I feel ignored .”
Example of expression with feelings
“I feel frustrated that we are having such difficulty connecting.”
“I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.”
“I feel sad .” “I feel anxious .” “I feel hurt .”
Aside from confusing feelings with thoughts, one of the most difficult traps to keep from falling into is using language that describes how we think others are behaving towards us, rather than our actual feelings. But, as we already learned in our
Breathless Ecstatic Fulfilled Joyous Refreshed Upbeat Buoyant Effervescent Glad Jubilant Relaxed Warm Calm Elated Gleeful Loving Relieved Wonderful Carefree Enchanted Glorious Mellow Satisfied Zestful
How we are likely to feel when our needs “are not” being met (Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life , pg. 45-46) Afraid Confused Downhearted Hostile Nettled Startled Aggravated Cool Dull Hot Numb Surprised Agitated Cross Edgy Humdrum Overwhelmed Suspicious Alarmed Dejected Embarrassed Hurt Panicky Tepid Aloof Depressed Exasperated Impatient Passive Terrified Angry Despairing Exhausted Intense Perplexed Tired Anguished Despondent Fatigued Irate Pessimistic Troubled Annoyed Detached Fearful Irritated Puzzled Uncomfortable Anxious Disaffected Fidgety Jealous Reluctant Uneasy Apathetic Disenchanted Forlorn Jittery Repelled Unglued Apprehensive Disappointed Frightened Lazy Resentful Unhappy Ashamed Discouraged Frustrated Leery Restless Unnerved Beat Disgruntled Furious Lethargic Sad Unsteady Bewildered Disgusted Gloomy Listless Scared Upset Bitter Disheartened Guilty Lonely Sensitive Uptight Blue Dismayed Harried Mad Shocked Vexed Bored Displeased Heavy Mean Skeptical Weary Brokenhearted Disquieted Helpless Miserable Sleepy Withdrawn Chagrined Distressed Hesitant Morose Sorrowful Woeful Cold Disturbed Horrified Mournful Sorry Worried Concerned Downcast Horrible Nervous Spiritless Wretched
This week we have continued to build our model of NVC by adding the second component: feelings. Being in touch with our feelings and expressing them with openness and honesty helps us connect with ourselves and with others. Throughout the course of the week, take several moments each day to stop and notice how you are feeling. Stop and focus on your physical sensations, allowing yourself to integrate into the presence of the moment. Then, just observe your feelings without judgment. How do you feel? How do you know what you are feeling? Where do you focus in order to know? Again, it may be helpful to write these things down in your journal. These are important skills for remaining present and for connecting with yourself to express your feelings, as well as for understanding others.
Individual Practice -Exercise 2: Expressing Feelings (From Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, pg. 47) Do the following statements express a feeling? If not, how would you change it to verbally express how you are feeling? Example: “I feel you don’t love me.” “ I feel sad because my need for connection with you is not met.” a. “I’m sad that you’re leaving.” b. “I feel scared when you say that.” c. “When you don’t greet me, I feel neglected.” d. “I’m happy that you can come.” e. “You’re disgusting.” f. “I feel like hitting you.” g. “I feel misunderstood.” h. “I feel good about what you did for me.” i. “I’m worthless.” -Exercise (From Companion Workbook, pg. 82). Start your own inventory of feelings. Think of a situation in which all of your needs are met. Notice what that looks like, including where you would be, how your surroundings would look, what tastes, smells, and sounds you would be hearing. Now, close your eyes and imagine yours in that exact situation. Really allow yourself to enter that state of being completely, and see, hear, smell, and touch what is around you. What feelings come up? Write down in a journal what comes up for you, then repeat the same process using a situation in which your needs are not met. You can continually add to this list of feelings as time goes on, and feel free to use the lists above as a guide.
- Consider the need for connection (link). Write the word on an index card or piece of paper and put it in a place where you will see it at least twice each day, perhaps on your bathroom mirror. In the morning, be aware of and present to your need for connection and consider how you might enjoy meeting that need during the day. In the evening, before bed, consider how you did or did not meet your need for connection without self-judgment.
-Suggested practice— Companion Workbook, pgs. 81-82elf there
Group Practice —Review Chapter 4 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language
Ears” we tend to hear blame or criticism rather than the feelings and needs behind words. Exercise: Think of a situation in which you’ve received message you didn’t like. How would you respond using each of the 4 options above?
Staying Present Taking responsibility for our feelings and being aware of our needs can create a pathway for giving from the heart. In fact, sensing our own feelings and needs, as well as sensing others’ feelings and needs is the most essential component of NVC. It enables us to stop for a second and stay present with ourselves and with other people. There will be more exercises and opportunities to practice these skills below, but for now we can simply understand that if it is our intention to connect with what is alive in ourselves, or in someone else, we are practicing NVC. As long as we remain present to the feelings and needs that are coming up for each of us, we have a chance to connect and resolve conflict without being motivated by fear, guilt, or shame. Notice that throughout much of our NVC model, the goal is to transform general statements to reflect specific observations, feelings, and needs (and later, requests). Here are some generalized speech patterns that deny responsibility for our feelings and needs
(From pg. 52) Words or Phrases that include… Example
impersonal pronouns such as “it” or “that” “That bugs me a lot.” a focus on the actions of others “I’m hurt when you don’t call.” “I feel____ because you, he, she, they, it… “I feel angry because she lied.” Exercise: Connect your feeling with your need. Think of a situation when you had a distinct feeling. Now, what caused that feeling? Use the form “I feel________ because I__________.”
Needs vs. Strategies When we start to take responsibility for our feelings and begin to express our needs, we are much more likely to have those needs met. How can someone help us to meet our needs if we are disconnecting from them, ourselves? We are socialized to put the needs of others ahead of our own, just as we are conditioned to ignore our feelings. Yet when we ignore our own needs, they are likely to continue to go unmet, causing our discomfort to intensify, and reducing our connection with ourselves and with others. We start lapsing into language and
thoughts that focus more and more on the Four D’s, and we spiral further and further away from a state of being that might lead to meeting those needs. Thus, being clear with ourselves and with others about how we are feeling and what we are needing is an essential step for reducing and resolving conflict. So, now we can build a vocabulary of needs:
Needs (From pgs. 54-55) Acceptance Community Exercise Interdependence Protection Shelter Air Consideration Food Laughter Reassurance Support Appreciation Contribution Fun Love Respect Touch Authenticity Creativity Harmony Meaning Rest Trust Beauty Emotional Honesty Movement Self-worth Understanding Celebration safety Inspiration Order Sexual Warmth Closeness Empathy Integrity Peace expression Water
All of these words represent essential and integral parts of our being. And yet they make no reference to any specific person doing any specific thing. When we are speaking of specific actions we are pointing to strategies that might fulfill a need. This is an important distinction, especially as we begin to realize that sometimes there are many different strategies that could help us meet our needs. Exercise: Think of a time when your needs were unmet. How were you feeling, and what needs, specifically were unmet? What did you do to try to meet those needs? Think of three different strategies that might also have contributed to meeting your needs.
Emotional Slavery and Emotional Liberation Though this sounds like a simple practice, transforming ourselves and breaking free of old patterns is anything but easy. It is a process that takes practice, patience, and time. Although learning the model of NVC can be frustrating at times, it is helpful to track our progress as we learn, and it can be encouraging to know that these concepts do not come easily to many people. Thus, Marshall has identified 3 stages of the path to emotional liberation.
(From Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, pg. 57-60) Stage Characteristics
- Emotional Slavery
Taking responsibility for others’ feelings Striving to keep everyone happy Risks others becoming burdensome
- Obnoxious Awareness of the costs of emotional slavery Anger—remnants of fear, guilt, and shame about our own
