The Stick, the Carrot, and the Candy Bar

Each child is different from every other. Even in the case of identical twins,

their responses to stimuli are different. How children react to authority also

will vary, not only from how others react, but also over time. Rewards and

punishments, techniques of socialization, and presentations of external

motivators must of necessity change to be appropriate and effective to

achieve the parents’ goals. Note that I said parents’ goals, not the child’s

goals. Parents want children to behave so that, first, they do not have to

spend the time rewarding and punishing. [Note: praise and criticism will be

discussed at the end of this essay.] They want their children to internalize

their (the parents’) expectations and make them their (the children) own.

Second, children must behave so that the parents are not embarrassed and

are confirmed by those around them as “good parents.” “Your children have

such excellent manners.” The parents want to be proud that their children

qua children and later as adults had a good upbringing and reflect positively

on them (the parents).

In order for this to occur with the minimum of stress on all parties concerns,

parents need to be clear, first, in their own mind, as to their goals for their

children, the expectations that would seem likely to bring about achievement

of these goals, and the techniques that they will use to teach, reward, and

punish. But, generally, they do not do so; they do not plan! Instead they

adopt one of the three ways that parents generally attempt to raise children.

The emphasis of any of the techniques adopted is generally on positive and

negative motivators and disincentives and the absence of conflict as the

reward.

The manner they choose is based on what they think works and doesn’t work

depending upon how they view their own child raising and their

observations of the behavior of other parents’ children. One of the problems

with doing it this way goes back to the first paragraph of this essay; all

children are different; what works with one may not work with another.

In general, and I need to emphasize that, parents initially in general choose

one of three child-rearing styles; authoritarian, authoritative, or laissez-faire.

These exist on a continuum. They do so and, through experience or

frustration, parents may move to another style, switch to another schema, or

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Each child is different from every other. Even in the case of identical twins, their responses to stimuli are different. How children react to authority also will vary, not only from how others react, but also over time. Rewards and punishments, techniques of socialization, and presentations of external motivators must of necessity change to be appropriate and effective to achieve the parents’ goals. Note that I said parents’ goals , not the child’s goals. Parents want children to behave so that, first, they do not have to spend the time rewarding and punishing. [Note: praise and criticism will be discussed at the end of this essay.] They want their children to internalize their (the parents’) expectations and make them their (the children) own.

Second, children must behave so that the parents are not embarrassed and are confirmed by those around them as “good parents.” “Your children have such excellent manners.” The parents want to be proud that their children qua children and later as adults had a good upbringing and reflect positively on them (the parents).

In order for this to occur with the minimum of stress on all parties concerns, parents need to be clear, first, in their own mind, as to their goals for their children, the expectations that would seem likely to bring about achievement of these goals, and the techniques that they will use to teach, reward, and punish. But, generally, they do not do so; they do not plan! Instead they adopt one of the three ways that parents generally attempt to raise children. The emphasis of any of the techniques adopted is generally on positive and negative motivators and disincentives and the absence of conflict as the reward.

The manner they choose is based on what they think works and doesn’t work depending upon how they view their own child raising and their observations of the behavior of other parents’ children. One of the problems with doing it this way goes back to the first paragraph of this essay; all children are different; what works with one may not work with another.

In general, and I need to emphasize that, parents initially in general choose one of three child-rearing styles; authoritarian, authoritative, or laissez-faire. These exist on a continuum. They do so and, through experience or frustration, parents may move to another style, switch to another schema, or

adopt an inconsistent pattern, the last being probably the worst thing they could do.

Authoritarian parents may or may not present their expectations to their children, but when the child does not behave according to that which the parent expects, he is punished. From this experience and similar ones, he is supposed to learn the parent’s expectations and how to avoid punishment. There may be rewards on occasion for “good” behavior, but they are relatively unimportant to the child unless the child decides that he wants something and negotiates with the parent for a specific reward for specific behavior. As with all the styles presented, this one works with some parents and some children some of the time, but an authoritarian approach is not a panacea for any failure of any of the other styles.

The authoritarian parent supposedly makes clear their expectations, but often frames them in terms of society’s expectations, making the parents proud, and the child “wanting” to do the right thing. The authoritarian style requires a great of work on the part of the parent because almost everything needs to be explained to the child in an age appropriate manner. There is a tendency to expect [ sic ] the child to understand and authoritarian parents are often disillusioned because they somehow expect the children to behave simply because they explained to them why they should. Repeated attempts to rationalize to the child or intellectually discuss the issues with the child may become very frustrating. The child may really not understand, may be seeing what they can get away with and for how long, may be trying to get a reaction, or, to use the old term, may just be “willful.”

The laissez-faire style is found with parents who were hippies, resent authority themselves, never learned how to parent, do not care, have not grown up, or have given up. It is important to understand that this is not a residual category; that the socialization process that pretty much shapes their personality is a reflexive process. Unless the parents are teenage parents, they are adults, and even given the absence of positive role models, are making choices as to their priorities. Many laissez-faire parents simply do not consider the parenting roles as being central to their lives. Parenting, thus, becomes the residual responsibility. They are parents because of a biological occurrence whether it was accidental or planned, and parenting to them is just another bump in the road and is not going to interfere, if they can help it, with that which they really want to or have to do in life.

The Stick, the Carrot, and the Candy Bar - Notes | SOC 1210, Study notes of Introduction to Sociology

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The Stick, the Carrot, and the Candy Bar